Who Am I, As a Parent?
Often when we ask parents, “What is most important to you when it comes to raising your child?” The response is “I just want my child to be happy and I want to make sure that I’m being a good parent so that I don’t screw him/her up.” Parenting is filled with self-doubt because there are so many variables that come into play when raising our children.
The first variable is the parents. Each parent has ideas about what good parenting looks like. Where do these ideas come from? Many of them come from how we were parented. If we reflect fondly on our parents and the way we were raised, we tend to follow in their footsteps and use what they did as our guide. If we don’t have fond memories of our childhood or how we were parented, we use what our parents did to guide us to do something different. Most of the time, both scenarios are true. There are some things that we loved about our childhood, and we want your child to have that same experience. And also most likely, there are some things that our parents did that we do not want our child to experience. Either way, our parenting history plays a role in our parenting tendencies.
Another variable that influences our parenting is our society and the social norms that are a part of it. We scroll on social media and see how “everyone else is doing it.” We are exposed to everyone’s unsolicited opinions regarding what we should feed our child, where our child should go to school, what activities should he/she be involved in after school, what should he/she be wearing and a myriad of other choices that we might be struggling with. Also, our friends and family members offer their advice and expertise on how we should be doing things. We then ask ourselves, “Is there a book that they have read that I need to read?” or maybe they are just naturally better at parenting. “How did they acquire all of the expert knowledge and where do I get it?”
The reality is, no one has all the answers, and certainly no one has the answers for your child who is a unique individual, living in a unique home environment. We also know that children that grow up under the same roof with the same set of circumstances have different needs, so it is impossible to perfect the craft of parenting.
So where do we begin? We begin by reflecting and understanding our own thoughts, beliefs and behaviors. We need to take the time to reflect on the “why?” Why am I feeling the way I’m feeling? Why do I think this is important? Is this really as important as I am making it out to be? Why do I instantly react in a certain way to certain situations? When we have a better understanding of ourselves, it opens the door to options we can choose from instead of being stuck in the same routine. It is also important to reflect on what your underlying goal might be. It’s like planning a trip, in this case it is the journey of parenting. We need to first decide where we want to go and then we can make the choices regarding how we are going to get there. We also know that our journeys don’t always go as planned, but if you know your destination, you can make educated decisions about other choices you may have about the route to getting there. Most parents want their children to become happy and successful adults. What does happy look like to you? What does success mean to you? And then, what skills and characteristics will help your child to achieve these goals?
Where do we begin as parents? We begin with ourselves. Take the time to understand yourself better and you will be able to make choices that align with your values and beliefs. The rest will come, day by day and moment by moment. We can’t reach the destination without taking the journey.