Meet Me Where I Am

One of the most important relationships, possibly THE most important relationship, is between a parent and their child. While being the most important, it is also the most unique relationship we will be a part of. In most relationships, there is a mutual understanding of what the relationship should look like and what our role in it will entail. There is also the understanding that if either party is feeling that the conditions of the relationship are not acceptable, they can leave the relationship. The parent-child relationship does not follow these understandings. Although we, as the parent, might have a vision of how the relationship will look and what our part in the relationship will entail, we cannot know what the child’s part will look like. We often think that our children are born as mini representations of the parent. The reality is, they begin as developing individuals that are influenced by the parent but don’t necessarily become, think or act like them.

This was an awakening for me. I had always dreamed of being a mom and with those dreams came certain beliefs. I believed that I was given these children; they are mine to love and guide as they grow up. I believed that since I was the one with life experiences, I know what is best for my child. I also believed that I had changed the “old paradigm” in parenting; I did not believe in hitting my children to punish them and I knew that my words do matter. What I didn’t know until later was, there was more change needed to my understanding of parenting.

As newborns, our children need us for everything. We are responsible for providing for their every need, for their survival. In the best-case scenario, we provide food, shelter, love and a sense of belonging. It is usually the parent(s) that are the primary source for these needs. (Please know that when I refer to the word “parent,” I am including all primary caregivers, not just biological parents.) It is at this time that we begin teaching them everything we want them to know. We rely on everything we have learned up to this point to model and teach the skills that we believe our child will need to be a healthy, happy and successful kid. However, we are usually surprised to learn that the knowledge we have gained up to this point, even after reading a lot of parenting books, isn’t enough. We are confused, asking ourselves, “Why isn’t this working?” And as they grow, we realize more and more how much we still have to learn. What I was surprised to find out is, it was my child that was the one that was going to be teaching me what I needed to know to be a parent.

Before becoming a parent myself, I thought this was a “top-down” relationship. The parents would do the teaching and modeling, and the children would follow the lead. I quickly realized that my children were teaching me as much, if not more, than I was teaching them. I learned that I needed to follow their lead, not the other way around. I came to understand that even though my three children were growing up in the same household with the same parents and set of values, they were unique individuals that interpreted these experiences differently and it was my job to meet them where they were at, not the other way around.

Meeting our children where they are at is one of the most important things we can do to build a loving and trusting relationship. This relationship acts as the foundation for all other learning to take place. Meeting children where they are at does not mean letting them run the show. Meeting them where they are at refers to understanding where they are developmentally and how they might be experiencing the moment they are in. Not only is the decision-making, planning, regulating behavior, working memory and problem-solving part of the brain not fully developed yet, but like adults, emotions play a part in our perception of the world around us.

It is these emotions that need to be validated first. As adults, if we are angry, we don’t want to hear, “Why are you so angry about that? That’s not something to get angry over.” What we would rather hear is, “Wow, I’m sorry that upset your so much,” or “You must feel really awful right now.” We all want to be heard and understood, and children are no different. This is where connection is felt. and attachment grows.

Each time we connect to our children where they are at, regardless of their age, we are strengthening the attachment and or relationship with have with them. A strong and healthy parent-child relationship is the best gift you can give them. It will build and improve upon their self-confidence, emotional intelligence, social skills, mental health and their academic performance.

Putting our agendas aside momentarily and meeting our children where they are at not only makes a difference in the lives of the parents and children, but also the people they will encounter and community they will live in.